To Boldly Go
by Malcan
Summary: Astronaut Craig Tucker has explored the galaxy... now the galaxy will explore him. (Very M-rated, mostly complete crack. I like to think it's the best of both worlds.)


I would just like to say that I never thought I would actually write this, but I'm very glad I did. Enjoy your ~2000 words of crack-porn.

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"You're free to go, Tucker. Get home and rest, we've got a debrief tomorrow." Craig nodded, giving his colleague a perfunctory half-smile and handshake before he rushed from the room. After two weeks in space, he could finally eat real food, sleep in a real bed, see his family and friends, and even be reunited with his one true love- his guinea pig, Stripe VI. They were all appealing thoughts, but in that moment, his mind was very much occupied with another possibility.

He loved space, but one thing he would change in a heartbeat was the complete lack of privacy. No matter what he was doing, there was always some other astronaut mere inches away, pointing an accusatory finger. "Oh, Craig, don't hog all the food," he muttered in a mocking tone as he started walking home. "Oh, Craig, stop that awful singing." He kicked a rock that just happened to be in his way. "Oh, Craig, get your hands out of your pants. Goddamn purity police." He shook his head, then looked down at his crotch. "It's okay, buddy," he whispered. "We'll be home soon."

He was in a hurry, but he still took some time to become re-acquainted with his surroundings. The tall trees with luscious green leaves, the unpolluted blue sky, the tiny neon-lit sex shop on the street corner… no, wait, that was new. With all the curiosity of the severely sexually deprived, he crept over to the store window, looking around to make sure there was no one who would recognise him. The last thing he needed was a scandal, especially after all the close calls his career had suffered. He didn't even want to think about the nicknames he had earned from his fellow astronauts. He was just about to abandon the place and continue his walk home, until he noticed the sign in the window.

"Opening Special- 50% off all space dildos! Free lube with every purchase! Get them now!" Craig blinked. Space… dildos? Those were a thing? As risky as it was to hang around this kind of place, he couldn't help but feel he had to take just one look.

Cheeks already blushing a deep red, he pushed the door open, flinching when the movement triggered a tiny bell. He grabbed at the door handle, ready to make a quick exit if the situation looked compromising.

"Aah!" Craig heard a tiny scream from the general area of the counter. It sounded familiar, but after his time in space, it was harder to tell exactly who he was dealing with. "I'll be right there!" The voice continued, sounding more panicked by the second. "Please don't leave! You're the only customer I've had all day!" Whoever-it-was still sounded familiar, but Craig just couldn't place them. Still, he knew he couldn't leave now without feeling bad. He let out a sigh, letting go of the door and taking a few steps into the shop. Allowing himself a few glances at the available merchandise, he blushed deeper, slightly ashamed that he recognised most of it without the painstakingly neat handwritten labels.

Craig was covering his face with shame by the time he reached the counter. Peering through his fingers, he could just see a few tufts of blond hair sticking up, teasing his overworked mind even more. After a moment of waiting, just when Craig was contemplating leaving, the person attached to the hair suddenly rose up above the counter. In the space of a split second, Craig took in the messy hair, the wide eyes, the intensely red cheeks, and the wrists that appeared to be tightly handcuffed together. Suddenly, it all clicked into place. "T-Tweek? What are you doing here?"

Tweek let out another small scream. "What are_ you_ doing here? Aren't you an astronaut?" He shook his restrained arms, appearing to make a weak attempt to free himself. "Where the fuck did I put the keys?"

Craig frowned, looking down for any sign of keys. "How did you even…" He shook his head, unable to find the words to continue.

Tweek shrugged to the best of his ability. Which wasn't much. "I don't know, I was testing to see if they worked and the universe decided "Let's fuck Tweek over", you know how it is. So, anyway…" He straightened up and gave Craig a professional smile, trying to ignore the jangling handcuffs. "Welcome to my shop! Do you need any help, or would you rather look around first?"

"Wait." Craig shook his head, making an effort to stay focused on Tweek's face. "When exactly did you start running a sex shop? Actually, since when has this even been a sex shop?"

Tweek sighed. "Well… you know what it's like working with my parents. It was fine until they started paying me in coffee. I can't buy nipple clamps with coffee, Craig."

Craig let out an unintelligible squeak, ducking his head down to hide his embarrassment. Oblivious to this, Tweek continued. "But here, I get an owner's discount!" He smiled at Craig. "But never mind that. Want to look at anything?"

Craig didn't look up, or even move. He wanted to get out of there and forget this entire incident, but he just couldn't bring himself to take the first step. "Oh, I get it," Tweek piped up before Craig could even try. "You want me to find you something. Okay, just hang on a second…" He disappeared behind the counter again, leaving nothing but very distinct rummaging sounds. Craig waited, spending the entire time wondering why he wasn't running home.

Finally, Tweek returned to a standing position, clutching something in one hand. "This is all I could reach," he said plainly, dropping it on the counter. Craig took a step closer, warily picking the item up.

It was beautiful. That was Craig's first thought, anyway. He took a closer look, admiring the soft but firm curve, the smooth base, the realistically shaped tip, and best of all, the rich purple-black colour suffused with shimmering points of light. He moved his hand, gasping with delight as the sparkling silver seemed to move across the length, giving the impression of swirling galaxies. If it was possible to fall in love with a dildo, Craig would have fallen to his knees and proposed marriage right then and there. It deserved nothing less.

Tweek waited, smiling slightly at Craig's reverent expression. "So… I guess you're buying it?"

Craig nodded, reaching into his wallet and thrusting a wad of money at Tweek. He wasn't even sure how much he was paying, probably a lot more than it cost. But it didn't matter. He had to have that dildo, and he wasn't going to waste time with anything as mundane as change.

Tweek accepted the money without comment, attempting to drop it into the cash register but scattering the notes across the counter. "Fuck. Oh, wait!" He looked up at Craig again. "Don't forget your free lube."

Dildo and lube hidden safely in a discreet bag, Craig resumed his walk home, excitement building by the second. Not for the first time, he thanked whatever power may or may not have existed that he lived alone. Well, Stripe VI lived there too, but he had never particularly cared about Craig's sexual exploits as long as he was well-fed and had a clean cage. Craig took care of those necessities as soon as he got home, giving the guinea pig a quick welcome-back hug before disappearing into his room. "Finally," he whispered to himself.

After making sure his door was locked and his answering machine was on, Craig stretched out on the bed, gently tugging his pants down to knee level. "Hello, old friend," he whispered when he caught sight of his already half-hard dick. It had been a long journey for both of them, but they had gotten through it together.

He prepared his fingers with the lube, appreciating the coolness on his skin. Pushing the first digit inside brought a slight grimace of pain to his face. In the weeks of enforced chastity, his hole had tightened much further than he would have liked. It took a lot more care than usual to work it open without hurting himself, but he managed, letting out a pleasured sigh when he could safely let three fingers slip in and out.

Deciding to play it safe, Craig added a fourth finger, the anticipation making his legs shake softly. He was already leaking precum, forming an increasingly large stain on the sheets. "Please," he moaned under his breath, to no one in particular. Resisting the urge to touch himself, he picked up the dildo with his free hand, moaning again as he gently pulled his fingers out.

Craig applied a generous amount of lube to the space-patterned dildo, letting it spill down the sides and form more blotchy stains on his bed. Leaning back and raising his skinny legs high into the air, he carefully pressed the tip against his entrance. "Time to boldly go where no man has gone before," he whispered with complete seriousness, ready to push inside.

_Wait. _He frowned. Something wasn't quite right, and he knew what it was. He couldn't lie, even in this situation. "Okay, time to boldly go where a few men…" He shook his head. "Some men… okay, fine, a _lot _of men _might _have gone before! But that's none of anyone's business!" Wanting to get past the embarrassing moment, Craig took a deep breath before thrusting the dildo into himself.

He cried out with pleasure and pain, body trying to pull away from where the space dick was penetrating him. Indiscriminate sounds fell from his lips, ranging from near-silent whispers to desperately loud moans. "Please, more, don't stop," he begged, trying to grasp the dildo even as his hands shook uncontrollably.

Once he managed to calm down marginally, he took hold of the dildo's base, slowly drawing it out of his tight hole and shoving it in again before it had time to tighten.

After a few more thrusts, Craig managed to find a pattern. He closed his eyes and let his mouth fall open, his free hand grasping at the sheets below him. His dick was painfully hard, pressure already starting to build. He let go of the sheets, taking hold of his straining erection instead.

Almost instantly, his feelings of pleasure shot up to ecstasy, forcing a scream from his throat. His movements became faster and more desperate by the second, punctuated by progressively louder gasps and yells. "So close," he cried out, too far gone to care that there was no one to hear him, save for a completely indifferent guinea pig. "Oh my god, I'm gonna-"

He didn't even have time to finish the sentence before his orgasm hit him, sending him into indescribably intense waves of rapture. It took almost a full minute for him to come down from the high, letting out a long sigh when the last lingering pleasure left him. He slowly pulled the blankets over him as fatigue crept into him, curling into a tired, sweaty ball of clothes and skin. He knew he had a lot of things to attend to, primarily a shower and a change of sheets, but he couldn't hope to do any better than a half-assed job at any of them without a quick nap first.

Craig was ready to sleep, but there was one more thing to do before his eyes closed. Reaching as far as he could without moving his body, he retrieved the dildo from under the covers. He gently placed it on the pillow next to him, admiring the sparkles that persisted even through the cover of several unspeakable fluids. He would have to thank Tweek sometime. "You and I are going to have a lot more adventures together," he whispered.

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Thank you for reading, if you still are.


End file.
